Journey, In viaggio col dolore

27. MY JOURNEY WITH PAIN. Sommacampagna. Torino. Miasto.

Of my seven trips to NY, five happened between 2006 and 2009.
When I returned home, I did not neglect my inner search.
From spring 2008 to spring 2009, as I felt the need to get to know my inner judge, or Superego, better, I participated in several groups. The therapist, who had been Osho's direct disciple, transmitted that type of inner work at Sommacampagna, near Verona. There they nicknamed me 'Sprint.' They said I was in a hurry! I was often there in groups or as an assistant, or as a participant.
Moreover, in that period, a Training began that I wanted to attend since the VOICING © years, the Essenza Training. It was a personal journey in which we further cleanse ourselves from knots and personality conditioning, learning to bring out the qualities of our Essence and integrate them into our daily life. We become aware of how attached we are to the reactions we triggered as children when, in need of affection and everything else, we invented strategies to get a little love, attention, giving birth to our Ego, or structure. If, for example, you play the victim, mom notices you. If you make her angry, it is to receive something, her anger, rather than indifference. Or 'bite the bullet' and maybe even smile not to create friction with the parent. This pattern then becomes a behavioral pattern with which you relate to people in the adult world. And you also build an image of yourself. Feeling what you missed as a child is not like a walk on a meadow of violets. You have to handle all that pain again. But at a certain point, that 'betrayed' quality of the soul re-emerges into consciousness and brings a sense of great nourishment, well-being, and personal power. Later it can be integrated into daily life thanks to your will and conscious attention.
Two therapists conducted this Training. One, an Italian, was the same therapist of the Inner Judge. The other was an American, John, a great one, whose fame preceded him. He was such a familiar presence to me as I had seldom perceived in my life. I am reminded of those moments of growth, attention, and care that he was able to give us, making us feel special and unique, which in reality, all of us human beings are. I was lucky enough to have many beautiful males and female inner journey companions, more or less the same age, many of whom were already holistic operators. I am still in contact with some of them today. This work about the Essence's qualities, handed down by the Sufis, gave a positive jolt to my health. I remember that, in the last meeting, I no longer had any pain. That Training made me experience some states of my Being: my 'outrageous' passion, the extent of my strength, the natural connection with the Divine, and I learned to contact within me that inner peace that comes from realizing that there is no more fear of death.
At that time, I was treated with acupuncture in Genoa and with the NSA in Turin by Marc Jubelin. I had a project to carry out in New York, an American sponsor for my Artist VISA, and an Italian sponsorship to make the CD on the Genoese School. In the world of jazz, I was starting to be a little known. 
I felt in my place, finally reaping the fruits of all that work (inner, vocal, and musical research) that I had been carrying out for decades.
I remember that feeling of fullness and contentment. Today I would say that I perceive my value not on what I know to do but on my Being. However, thanks to that American acknowledgment, I never had doubts again. Rather.....!
In the summer of 2008, I was in Miasto, Tuscany, as the assistant to Pratibha in a VOICING © group. During a private session with her, a memory from my childhood never surfaced before emersed. It was a revelation that touched on a relatively strong theme. At the end of the session, I was very shaken, and Pratibha advised me to stop in Miasto so as not to miss the opportunity to stay in what had emerged and then be able to elaborate it. If I had returned home, to the world, without metabolizing the understanding received, I would have wasted an opportunity for my growth, distracting myself from doing everyday life. So it was that I canceled a concert with the Milanese jazz musicians, those of the tribute to the Genoese School in jazz. I knew I was doing a 'madness,' incomprehensible to most, but I understood that in that moment of my life, first of all, there was my inner quest, there was me, and then the music. After all, as mentioned above, I had strong doubts about continuing my project with those musicians. I was honest with the pianist; I told the truth out of respect for them and me. I hope they understood. 
From that moment on, I reminded myself to act according to my feelings and impressions. Most of the time, I recorded my intuitions on a conscious level, but then I didn't follow them; I didn't value them. From that moment, I established that a musician to play with me had (and must!) have certain human qualities TOO. Only in this way, in my opinion, is the 'magic' of music created, together with the relaxation that happens when there is trust, respect and mutual esteem, and maybe even some good, crass laughs !!!
So, I stayed for another three weeks in Miasto and signed up for my second Mystic Rose Meditation, which brought me a lovely gift.
'I'm not what happened to me; I'm what I chose to be.'
Carl Gustav Jung