Journey, In viaggio col dolore

23. MY JOURNEY WITH PAIN. Emotionally, Jazz!

In that period of my inner quest, I discovered that I used to control my emotions or suffocate them in their birth, feeling unsuitable or 'dangerous.' Osho revealed this vital passage of self-knowledge. Thanks to His 'active meditations,' I could express my pain, frustration, and anger in a protected environment. 
Being aware of my feelings allowed me to feel them, express them, and let meditation and awareness integrate them.
Bringing emotions from one's own unconscious shadow to the light of consciousness allows the individual to recognize them, take responsibility for them, and, therefore, not throw them up on their neighbor.
Being a highly emotional person, I discovered Pandora's box. And I sensed that this about emotions would have been a lifetime's work.
The important thing is to start and continue with confidence towards yourself and towards the type of practice. Awareness brings presence and acceptance, understanding.
Since, fresh from Sannyas, I had recorded the CD 'The Fragrance,' I no longer perceived myself as a cover singer only. The understandings of my inner path nourished my artistic direction both in experimentation and in the expression of myself.
Thanks to VOICING©, I had learned to celebrate many new things about myself with my voice, having learned to feel, accept, and express my feelings.
The next step was to try to express my emotions in a musical context.
I chose jazz. There is no more suitable musical genre because jazz is improvisation, and it is playing in the 'here and now,' without too many scores and obligated parts. You have a 'canvas,' a grid of chords and a melody with a text, that is, a song, but while you sing, things that are musically extemporaneous happen around you. If you learn to sing and listen to what is happening around you musically, you begin to dialogue and interpenetrate your singing with other musicians and musical parts. It's called 'interplay.'
My late debut in the jazz world, at 45, was initially to be titled 'Here & Now,' then 'Intensity'... But then I named it Emotionally, Mariangela Bettanini.
As it was emotions, I chose to use the adverb 'emotionally,' which expressed my mood. Recording a CD with three great Italian jazz names (and beyond) was an honor and an occasion. I felt gratitude for their gesture of trust, and I was very excited!
In hindsight, it was an early onset. I should have given myself more time to study and assimilate. The CD was judged quite well by specialized critics, but I sensed that I still had some essential things to fix. And I wasn't in the 'not enough' mode. They were real things like the pronunciation of my English and my jazz phrasing. The swing was not perfect, as was the way to accentuate the English words. And I was a slave to some musical patterns that sounded redundant in that specific musical context. Later I understood that the more 'simple I sang,' the more my uniqueness came out. 
However, that first CD was a business card that automatically opened some beautiful doors for me in Manhattan. From the comments I received, the sound of my voice was most striking.
Since my studies in France, my voice's sound had been the most important thing, even from a technical perspective. Later, the practice of VOICING© had gifted it of consistency, thanks to all those inner realities that I had given myself permission to feel, welcome, and integrate within me.
Much better was the recording of the same project live, a year and a half later. In the meantime, I had been in New York for a two and a half month study trip in which I knuckled down! Entirely in tune with the city's extraordinary energy, I finally found my ideal habitat to express it. 
I also listened to two concerts in the evening to learn and then follow my inclinations and musical tastes.
I bought a lot of records, met people who gave me advice, stimuli. I did workshops and courses with well-known singers in the milieu.
It is well known. New York makes you grow fast as an artist and makes you recognize your uniqueness! 
'Hic et Nunc.' (Here and Now).
'There may be trouble ahead
But while there's music and moonlight
And love and romance
Let's face the music and dance
Before the fiddlers have fled
Before they ask us to pay the bill
And while we still have the chance
Let's face the music and dance.
Soon we'll be without the moon,
humming a different tune and then
There may be teardrops to shed
So while there's moonlight and music 
And love and romance
Let's face the music and dance.'
Irving Berlin
Photo by Walter Baccon