Journey, In viaggio col dolore


I arrived in Miasto, in the Osho Commune in Tuscany, one evening in June 2001. I remember the beauty and harmony of the place, the region's typical farmhouses, the vast meadows, and many flowers. It was time for dinner. I saw people who ate in the open air under splendid old oak trees and chatted smiling amiably. I felt a particular atmosphere. I noticed that there was wine at the table, and all that joy and well-being somewhere almost hurt me and embarrassed me. I still had that idea, born from my Christian conditioning, that spiritual life should be a life of renunciation and sacrifice. Besides, I was still working through the severe losses I suffered recently.
I noticed that they all looked beautiful, cared for, and with an almost regal gait. I didn't know how to express it, but I felt that the way of being in the body of those persons was different from that of 'ordinary' people. Even some people seemed to have seen them before! I got new sensations that I didn't know how to define, but somewhere I recorded them in consciousness and memory because I still remember them vividly.
I didn't know anyone, but after dinner, I was already singing rhythm 'n' blues with Miasto's musicians! I quickly integrated myself because I felt I was in a protected environment with many friendly people. Their kindness came from the heart, not from the circumstance.
After years of study and work in singing, my voice was very trained, and I sang long. The group I was going to take part in the next day was called VOICING©. Therefore that evening, also my 'future' workshop mates were listening to me. They obviously either sang or were sensitive to the world of vocal expression.
At the entrance to the session room - called Rumi! - the next day, I lost my breath. I remember her smile as she greeted me and her sharp blue eyes. I was out of breath for many reasons together.  I felt her gaze inside me as if it were a scanner that read me in the bowels. And I felt an intense intimacy and confidence as if I had always known her and found her.  Her name is Pratibha, a first-generation disciple of Osho, definitely a shaman for me, an anthropologist scholar, an extraordinary teacher who changed my life. I owe a lot to her. In a future episode, I will have a suitable occasion to tell about all the gifts I received by attending the beautiful lady's courses, elegant, refined, and tremendously wild!
On the fourth day of the VOICING© group, we explored the heart's dimension and voices. I was unable to sing in the middle of the group. The vocal expression of others felt superficial. After all those losses in 2000, I couldn't cope with my suffering, much less with my neighbor. I stopped using my voice and walked away, turning my back on the group. Pratibha approached and, with her particular delicacy and authority, suggested that I do an exercise that I will never forget. I was able, finally, to feel. I felt the sweetness and vulnerability of my heart. And the pain gradually began to bleed gently through my tear-soaked voice. At that moment, my energy changed. With that song, I let go of my 'I'm all in one piece, so I'm strong, I don't need anyone, and I react to pain.' 
I had allowed myself to feel vulnerable, weak, and sad, all emotional states buried by my being "tough" and performing, on stage, in life, especially between me and me.
From that moment, I began to feel lucid, present. I lived very intense moments in which I perceived to belong totally to the planet as if I were a blade of grass, a lizard, a tree, a clod of earth, a sky in one instant and everything inside me in a split second! It was a mystical opening. My mind was confused, I think, by so much expansion and beauty. And then it was also late June, the summer enchanted us with its beauty, there in Miasto, in Tuscany! I was hugging the trees and felt strange. Happy!
The next day I spoke to the group. I told of all the pain of my year 2000 and the confusion I felt from the previous day since I had given voice to my tender heart. Pratibha said to me: "Do you know what Osho said one day ?! "No," I replied. (I hardly knew Osho. I had read the catalog of Miasto's activities sometimes from a friend). He said: 'I'm here to confuse you.' I burst into tears. Something went through me in a flash and said, "You are as beautiful as you are."
Nowhere and never before had I felt so understood and loved, deeply and freely.
'Your voice takes you to your heart.'
Gabrielle Roth
'No more cruises
No more cages
Play your own guitar
Celebrate your life.
Why do I have to feel guilty?
Why do I have to feel so sad?
Why do I have tofeel no free?
Why do I have to feel alone.'