Journey, In viaggio col dolore

10. MY JOURNEY WITH PAIN. The end of an era.

Many things then changed.
The customers and hotel staff, who had known me for a few years now, did not say that my voice had changed. They said that 'something had happened to Mariangela.'
Thanks to the newfound health and all that energy that I used for my vocal search and my inner search, I had achieved good harmony and stability. But I no longer felt in tune with Pascal. There was no more intimacy. I no longer felt connected to him. He loved me, and he was sensitive. But I found out that he had hidden from me that he was still married in Norway and therefore was not legally separated from his wife. It was the end for me. It was tremendous pain and a sense of estrangement as if I had fallen into another dimension if suddenly I knew an aspect of life (and of humanity) that I had ignored. Even if he was now living with me, he should have told me. Something broke that took many years to repair.
I tried to stay with him for a few more months to find out if I could do it if trust returned. But I understood that sincerity was essential for me in a love relationship.
I left Pascal in the spring of '97. I looked for a makeshift apartment and telephoned my manager, telling him that I needed to work harder, possibly at some private party. We usually earned well on similar occasions, singing and playing in overflowing environments of luxury and well-being.
At that time, my yoga teacher, with his wife and children, also moved away.
It was very tough—especially when the day was over, and I found myself in the evening. I was in a studio apartment that had a lovely terrace. In the evening, if nothing else, I could admire spectacular sunsets from there.
'We are never as vulnerable as when we trust someone, but paradoxically we cannot find joy and love without trust.'
Walter Inglis Anderson
Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.
Joni Mitchell